“Underneath anger there is always… hurt”
– Dr. Christiane Northrup,
Goddesses Never Age
Anger is a loaded subject, I find it extremely odd that in a culture driven by competition, focused exclusively on ‘winning’, playing life as if it’s a zero sum game that anger is so marginalized, perhaps it’s our cultures’ obsession with winning that causes this dysfunctional perspective on anger, perhaps it’s our very reluctance to deal with this uncomfortable, dangerous emotion that points us to where the real healing needs to take place.
As a culture we idolize and reward athletes; our modern day gladiators, for their aggression on the playing-field but feign surprise when they take their violence beyond the stadium and beat the living hell out of their wives, girlfriends and kids.
We claim to love peace and justice while pouring more of our National productivity into bloated military expansion beyond that of any other nation, at any other time in the history of the planet and there were some wars in the old days that lasted for a hundred years!
We give lip service to whatever deity sits in our temples preaching peace and forgiveness on a certain day of the week and on the car ride home swear and threaten violence like a demon possessed at the little old lady who has the bad taste to drive safely while in front of you…
In my family toxic anger was the rule of the day; anger in the form of sarcastic defensiveness crafted a protective candy shell around a slew of addictions and dysfunction, suppressed anger drove that dysfunction like a red-lining engine about to blow and when it did; look out, there was Hell-to-pay and it wasn’t too picky about who paid the price.
Those of you from families with addiction are familiar with this model; the prime addict lashes out at the assigned family scape-goat in a dithering rage, throwing insults, fists or furniture until the beast is appeased or simply wears itself out and subsides, then the clean-up begins, the bones are mended, the broken furniture is carefully removed and hidden from the neighbors, the episode is neatly swept under the carpet to fester until the next time it breaks free, more enraged, more toxic and more harmful to everyone involved.
Under these circumstances it’s easy to understand the impulse to divorce ourselves from our own anger and its toxic effects, too bad this isn’t an equitable distribution state, anger is in you baby and it’s here to stay. We are all equipped with the full range of human emotions, none of them are optional, and all of our emotions serve an important even healthy purpose but to find the gold we have to sift through the dross, separating inherited family patterns of denial and avoidance, summoning the courage to face the raging beast within; not as a lion tamer armed with whips and pistols to cow the beast into subservience; you my dear are more fearsome than any lion, we must approach anger as a loving parent validates the frustration of a bewildered child, holding the space for the inner child to rage and rail at the injustice of it all while not losing our perspective that this –whatever the ‘this’ may be – will soon pass.
The physiological evidence shows that rage causes a variety of debilitating health conditions for both the person raging and the person suffering the focus of that rage. Most of you reading this probably fall into the second category, like me you were targeted by your family as the scape-goat, the family sacrifice, the victim; and like me you’ve struggled with the family inheritance of displaced rage and I bet it makes you angry.
And it should!
Let’s cover that one more time, being treated unfairly, being abused, blamed, shamed and disrespected is supposed to make you angry! It is normal to feel anger at someone who abuses you.
It is not normal to rationalize harmful treatment of your person; emotionally or physically.
It is not normal to make up excuses for the abuser.
It is not normal to take the blame on yourself for their actions.
It is not normal to be a child having to parent an addicted adult.
It IS appropriate to be angry at being treated badly; by anyone, regardless of blood relationship, marriage, sexual / romantic relationship or professional association.
Many; if not all, women are trained in early childhood that “nice girls don’t_____”
Nice girls don’t feel rage.
Nice girls don’t get angry.
Nice girls don’t talk back.
Nice girls don’t defend themselves with physical violence. (“He hit you on the playground because he likes you…”)
Then if you get attacked and violated some pompous man or hateful, broken woman will deride you for not defending yourself… and if that doesn’t make you mad you’re already lying in your grave cause you ain’t living sister.
It’s time to get in touch with your anger at being marginalized, victimized and silenced. Your Anger is the rocket fuel that will spark your recovery and carry you beyond the dysfunctional boundaries of “Nice girls don’t” into the storehouse of your power.
The appropriate recognition and yes, expression of your anger is the key to healing, it is the first step in reclaiming what was never theirs to take, it is the juice, the animus, the powerful chi that sets the scales right after tipping so spectacularly out of balance.
Your anger has a crucial role to play in your healing, it may not be comfortable for you to deal with, it may break down some relationships and remake them in the fiery crucible of rebirth but when processed appropriately your anger has the power to change your life, your world and to end the hereditary victim role so many of us were forced into as children.
--If you need support and access to the tools to process what you're going through contact Jenn for a personal coaching session or Angel reading at - indigovision@yahoo.com